The Very Best of Everything

I made a comment on Monica Mingo’s site (hereinafter referred to as Monnie), which I often do. A few days ago, a young woman wrote to her seeking advice. She had been seeing a young man, and things were going well. There was no commitment between them. He went home for the holidays and had not called her. She called him. She called him again. She left messages. He ignored her. I don’t think I commented on that post - my response would have been redundant, as my sentiments were pretty much the same as many of the other commenters. Later, this young woman wrote back to inform Monnie her gentleman friend ignored her because he had a woman in his hometown to whom he "owed respect". My comment was: "WTF? I hope she’s already yelled "Next" and lost his number." I wrote it and moved right along, not giving it a second thought, until I saw my words on a later post, where Monnie asks what happens when "Next" is few and far between. You can read the post here: http://creoleindc.typepad.com/rantings_of_a_creole_prin/2009/01/what-came-first.html.

I thought back on the many times I stayed in a relationship past its expiration date. It wasn't easy to walk away after investing so much of myself. You see, I was one of these girlfriends who put everything into a relationship. I was patient, understanding, willing to make sacrifices, eager to fix problems. There's nothing wrong with treating a person well, especially someone with whom you're involved. The problem was, while I was trying to be super girlfriend, I put their needs before mine. There was no reciprocation. As you might expect, these relationships came to an end and I was left feeling frustrated, exhausted and unappreciated, and I was to blame. This was where stupidity came in.

After the last debacle, I took time to get to know me better and figure out what was wrong. I discovered what I liked and didn’t like in a relationship. I realized it wasn’t the end of the world to be unattached. After some time, I became content, then I became happy - something I hadn't been in any relationship. Such was my contentment, the thought of getting 'out there' made me uneasy. So, I stayed put. Six months turned into a year. One year turned into a few years with no one. Oh, it wasn't that I didn't want to be involved. Quite to the contrary. I had just gotten too comfortable. Honestly speaking, my need for companionship and that special touch had become so intense, I could barely stand to see a couple embrace on television. (I can think of a few examples. Johnny Depp's kissing scene in Chocolat was particularly difficult to bear.) Yeah, it was really bad.

Having a piece of man when you want more is not better than having no man at all. In any good, healthy relationship, there is an exchange that fits, and the people involved "get" each other. In other words, if I'm bringing you a whole cake, I expect a whole cake in return. I will not settle for a slice or some crumbs. And your cake better be good, too, 'cause that's what I'm bringing, and I deserve the very best of everything. Don’t you?

If I were in this young lady's shoes, I would not deal with this guy anymore. I would yell "Next" and lose his number, even if there was no one waiting in the wings. For me, his dishonesty was the deal breaker, and he handled this situation like a straight up punk. I would not, however, judge her if she decided to stay with him. I am not qualified to speak her truth, only mine.

Things are very different now, because I’m different now. I deal with things at face value. I do not make excuses for bad behavior, and I certainly don’t hang around long enough to watch it get worse. I pay close attention to red flags. I look at how he treats those who are supposed to be dear to him. I detest lies and insincerity. I am unapologetically unwilling to settle.

These days, my comfort zone is significantly larger, and I’m happy. Could it be better? Of course, but I don't feel pressure to pair up with someone for the sake of not being alone, for I am not lonely. Until I do meet that person who's 'it' for me, I'm enjoying the journey. When he comes along, I'd like to think I'm ready.

It is my hope that all ladies in this situation find their truth, that they know what they want with clarity, that they don’t settle, and know above all else, they deserve the very best of everything.